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M. Scott

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[14 Sep 2005|09:25pm]
Dear Ana,
You have to save me. Please, I need help. So much help. Make me beautiful and sparkling and clean. I can't take this. I can't take the view of everyone around me being tall and skinny and perfect. Why am I not that way?

Tomorrow I will restrict. Tea for breakfast, apple for lunch, salad for dinner. No snacks. No chocolate. No...food. I will be perfect. I will be skinny. I will be rid of this fat.

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[01 Sep 2005|09:22pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

I need thinspiration. Fast. College is fucking me up. I can feel myself ballooning and I want it to stop! Please, please help, someone! I've been drinking my "Super-skinny" tea and having only a few ricecakes and an apple for lunch but I get so hungry! And water only makes me feel more hungry as opposed to surpressing it. Dinner...dinner is in the dining hall and all that food makes me go insane. Where is my gum? If I chewed more gum I wouldn't be chewing food and therefore I wouldn't be sinfully eating.

What do you do for thinspiration?

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[01 Sep 2005|08:07pm]
[ mood | weird ]

My horoscope said this today:

Get a grip. Get a clue. Get a plan. You can make everything you want come true. There's a mess of processing and a wealth of room for error between you and the open-code network of like-minded individuals you hope to ferret out, establish and make flourish. Eat.

I kid you not. The last part of my horoscope said "eat". How weird is that?! I don't believe in this stuff but that is seriously weird.

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[16 Aug 2005|03:21pm]
[ mood | content ]

I have found my new favorite website: caloriesperhour.com It is helpful and has a lot of interactive calculators. According to the calculator, if I loose 1000 calories a day, it will take me two months and three days to reach 140 pounds. So if I restrict and burn off 1000 extra calories a day, I will be at my goal! Why didn't I find this at the beginning of the summer when I had the time to work on my eating? I could be done by now if I had!

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[15 Aug 2005|04:57pm]
[ mood | calm ]

When I am not hungry, I am not thin. When I am not hungry, I am not thin. When I am not hungry, I am not thin.

I want to be skinny. I really do. But I can't seem to stop eating. At most, I'm only eating 500 calories less than usual. This sux0rz.

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[13 Aug 2005|06:49pm]
[ mood | blah ]

-headdesk headdesk headdesk-

I fail. I fail. I fail. It's dinner. I can't stop eating dinner because it's a "family gathering time" and my family knows I have an ED history. All I can try to do is have smaller portions which also falls through because everyone is still eating while I'm done and I have no SELF CONTROL.

I threw away the laxative tea because I read all the really bad side effects it has and I don't want them.

In good news: I lost two pounds! Yay! So now my CW is :156 lbs. But being the fat, uncontrollable jar that I am, it will probably not last. Damn, damn, damn.

Think thin, think thin, think thin.

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[11 Aug 2005|07:31pm]
[ mood | happy ]

Dinner went better. I had a tiny bit of brown rice and some veggies. Good, good, good.

Thin, thin, thin.

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[11 Aug 2005|05:20pm]
[ mood | failure ]

And I've already failed. Yesterday I almost managed my plan but then for dinner I caved and had two potatoes and a slice of turkey. And then a fruit popsicle.

Today has already failed too. It's only partly my fault because I was taken to lunch at a Chinese restaurant and had to eat without seeming suspicious. I will be strong for the rest of the day--I will!

I bought a green laxative tea today and will drink it!

I will be thin, I will be thin, I will be thin.

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[09 Aug 2005|06:21pm]
[ mood | determined ]

Someone once told me that you can never truly recover from an eating disorder. She was right. No matter how much I eat and act normally, the mirror and the scale plague me with imperfections. I will be skinny.

I hate my body. It betrays me in almost every way possible. My feet are too big, my shoulders too broad, my face too mismatched, my fat too...there. I can't change the first three aspects but I will be skinny, thin and beautiful. Then, it won't matter.

It begins now. Currently:

Height: 5'10"
Weight: 158.7 lbs
Stomach: Portruding

The goal weight: 145-140 lbs.

I have eaten today. Before I screwed up my courage and decided to type my thoughts into permanency and stop. But it ends at this moment.

The plan:
Tomorrow: Cleansing day. I will drink water whenever I feel hungry. And try to contain everything to 1000 calories. I have to start with baby steps. I can't simply stop altogether. Not yet.

Breakfast: 1/2 cup Kashi, 1/4 cup soymilk--120 calories
Snack: Apple--80 calories
Lunch: Light yogurt--100 calories
Snack: 10 carrots--50 calories
Dinner: Boca burger with two slices of whole wheat bread: 300 calories
Total: 650 calories

Exercise: Walk 30 minutes in the morning: -150 calories
Run 30 minutes at night: -300 calories

Must remember to take multivitamin.


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